A story I imagined.

One night, I like awake in bed, I have the urge to sleep but my eyes won't shut down.The air in my room feels like the wind from the desert, warm. My mind starts to be very playful, imagining stuffs that I think will put me to sleep. Here--

Her room was the kind of room girls ever imagined of sleeping for a lifetime, the heavy curtains of plain white was the first thing you'll notice when you enter her room, a great view from the window itself reflects a wealthy family. There is a wide space for coffee and tea, her very big size bed was placed in the middle of the room surrounding with light curtains in white. Her table was just beside from her bed displaying with fresh, fragrant flowers of lilies,roses and angel's breath with tags on it. The bathroom will fit five to ten people showering together.Who could be living in this room?? Her.

A man entered the room, tall,wearing an elegant suit. He stares at the room for a long time, walking towards the windows,and towards the bed. He sits on the bedside holding a paper on his hands.

The paper wrote: "I'll be at the hospital.See you tonight".

A tear suddenly fell on the paper,making the ink slightly disappear. He notice that he is holding the most expensive paper on earth.He dry his eyes and make a slight smile. The vibrant setting of the room was changed to a room of gloom.Dark.

He heard the alarm clock ring.He grab it and turn it off.Set it again.



>>>Tell me what you imagine.Put it on the comment. ^_^

Tears.

There are five types of tears, sorrow, regret, joy, fear and allergic reaction. Which tears did you cry today?

MY DISEASE.HIS SURPRISE.

One thing I hate the most was me being surprised, and i know that others would always want to get surprises from their families and especially from their boyfriend or girlfriend. But for me, its like getting a heart attack every time. And it started when--

May 26,09 11:00PM

I sat on my desk, like my regular routine I checked my mail, Log in to facebook and friendster, then went to job hunting online. I was a bit worried when he didn't texted me several times this day, it's unlikely him. I was starting to think of a possible things of what could he be doing at this very moment, I'm getting suspicious.Was he too busy watching a movie or a show at his place, or was he encouraged by his friends to play basketball and got so enjoyed and that he was too tired to check his phone, or did he forgot about tomorrow.? Too many questions!! Too many possible ways!! Well, if he just in case really forgot about my birthday then I would give him a call and let him be reminded. I cannot focus on my routine, I am still thinking of him. Worried.Anxious.


Another minute had passed and it seems like an endless browsing over the net and my eyes are turning round and round.I was still not at ease just thinking of him, every time a silence breaks the room I can feel my overpounding heart, any minute from now I could be like a fish on the boat striving to get back to the water and helpless. What could be the cause of this commotion in me. I had never feel this way not until last November 08 which something bad happened to me together with my brother. A couple of boys threatened us and took all our cellphones, psp, and money which is an equivalent value for our lives.Bringing this topic is not an easy issue for me, just talking about it makes me fall into the scene again and puts terror in me of seeing my brother being held by one of the boys and a gun pointed on his head just make me feel so helpless and careless.And I would stop now talking about that terrifying moment.


Again, this feeling is so overpowering like a thunder willing to strike anytime, anywhere!I have this instinct, a woman's instinct if you may call it, an instinct that makes me feel so suspicious of everything his doing and sometimes, no--I always feel it right. And I don't want to be right every time, I would hope for a friend to talk to me whenever this feeling comes out,but there are no one I could talk to,.except for this media.I am starting to think that this could be my imaginary friend,thus I would call this "Alex". Now I'm talking or literally writing to Alex again and how I wish this media can respond to me.


My phone beep, and I was very exaggerated when I hurriedly run to get my phone which is in my room, I almost trip over the chair and had my head hit the floor but the excitement rule rejecting those pains.I unlocked my phone's security code and read the message immediately saying "Lumabas ka nasa labas na daw yung padala ko". Confused at first, I wanted myself to obey those nine words but a sudden decision left me again writing to Alex and ignore those messages. Then, my heart's still pounding and I don't know how to make it calm. I plan to get a prescription for this disease but sadly this disease is not recognizable by the doctors which I surely assume that it would only left them the conclusion of me having a brain problem "siraulo" in other term. Overcoming this disease is a big problem for me, symptoms like heart pounding very fast, hands shaking--no--my inside's shaking, sweat coming from my forehead, brain becoming numb and respiratory system is not functioning which leaves me gasping for air.Am i beginning to die?


What I want now is answers in questions like why did he decided to sent me a gift which unlikely me requesting for any gifts for my birthday, why did he sent it at 11:30PM, as far as I know all delivery outlets or branches of LBC are closed and wouldn't even do a requested gift to be send at exactly 12 midnight.And why would Lance texted me this morning and asked if what could Arman bought me for my birthday.I was assuming of things like a big surprise might be waiting outside our house.


I don't want surprises, I did not grow with this stuffs. And plus, it's his attitude of giving me an unpredictable moments. I stepped out on my desk, grabbed my phone and went straight to my room and lie awake.Staring at those messages is like a precious stones or a diamond which I would not fantasize of having one.I'm not a woman who always ask for gifts and presents for birthdays and holidays. I would rather go for a simple gathering with no one else invited but my families only or would rather have nothing.


Clock's ticking and another messages popped out, same message, same sender but different time. I'm starting to put myself to sleep, I was tired of thinking of any ways or anything that might happen starting at that time lapses. Silence is in my room, and I want it this way. I heard the gate open, my sister's laughing and everyone witnessing my shocked face.Footsteps enter the house and I could almost hear the density of that footsteps, I don't like surprises again!! I was facing the wall while in my bed, my back's facing the door.

A trigger in my nape shocked me! A tingling trigger that would bring me back to my senses, like sleeping beauty. A current runs over my body and numbness goes away. This disease is prescribed by a kiss in the nape. Aw! And it was him, the delivery man sent him outside my house. This feeling was the most memorable senses I've ever felt. Which leads me exactly in writing this emotions to Alex (nickname for this note/blog site) And I was healed.Like I said I don't want surprises because my disease would immediately begin,and the only band aid and prescriptions I would certainly be willing to drink or injected was his kiss --from him only.

Ako bilang bata.

I am writing this article not for others to read, gusto ko sana for future use mabasa ko ito, gustong kong alalahanin lahat ng mga memories ko nung bata pa ako.. Let's start.

I am uncertain kung ano ang age ko nung nag-transfer kami ng bahay from Quezon province to Mariquita Sta. rosa Laguna, the only moment I remember was when I am holding my mother's hand and on the other side was my brother Garex..he was holding her hands also, as a child I have the habit of looking around me..I wouldn't pay attention to what's towards me, masyado akong mapagmasid nung time na yun, I even remember yung mga color ng mga bubong ng kapitbahay..haha. I looked at my brother and he was just quite, mahiyain talaga siya noon. I looked at my nanay and she was carrying a bag, I cannot remember kung ano pa yung mga dala niya, there is something on my mother's face that would make me feel sad. I don't know what else.
Is it because malalayo siya kay papa or iniisip niya kung ano ang mangayayari sa amin if wala kaming makain, :C We stopped, yun ang bahay nila Nanay Kikay my Lola.

I am getting used to that house, kasama namin ni Garex yung mga pinsan ko Ema, Kuya Brian and we're also with our tita Ate Nene and with our Lolo Kile. We loved playing around the house since it's big, there was a mango tree doon sa likod ng bahay at tsaka puno ng bayabas, madamo pa noon ang bahay na yun, pag umuulan maputik din pero hindi naman masyadong maputik. Naaalala ko yung mga time na naglalaro kami around dun sa mango tree, naglagay pa nga kami ng duyan, minsan din pumupunta kami sa playground na hindi naman masyadong kalayuan sa bahay namin, masaya ako dahil first time kong makakita ng playground, wala kasi sa Quezon nun ang tanging naaalala ko lang na pinaglalaruan ko sa Quezon ay yung dagat. My father was a mangingisda that time, pero nung nakikita ko sa picture nagco-construction din pala siya. May naging kaibigan nadin kami sa Mariquita, si jaypee, si merf-merf, si ate irish ate michelle, yung mag bata sa mahal na ina na kalapit bahay lang namin. Hindi ko na maalala yung ibang name pero sila sila lagi yung mga kalaro namin ng mga pinsan ko. Minsang naglutuan kami nila Garex at Jaypee, well... kumuha kami ng lata ng bonamil (gatas) tapos ngalagay kami ng tatlong malalaking bato at ginwang triangle tapos nagsindi ng apoy at nagluto-lutuan.Naglagay kami ng mga dahon ng mangga since may puno nga doon, kinolekta namin yung mga tuyong dahon sa ilalim tsaka iniluto. Hmmm.. mabango, amoy sinigang! hehe. Wala sa bahay noon si Nanay dahil umunta sila sa Quezon, inabot na kami ng gabi sa paglalaro sa likod bahay, nakaupo kami palibot dun sa niluluto namin, tumayo si Jaypee at aksidente niyang natabig yung lata papunta kay Garex, hindi ko narining na sumigaw si garex, tahimik lang siya pero natakot din siya, nagulat ako at natakot, pinagdasal ko na hindi pa umuwi sina Nanay noong gabing yoon, pero mukang hindi dininig ni Papa Jesus yung dasal ko, tumingin ako sa labas ng bahay at nakita ko silang naglalakad, padating na! Lagot ako nito.
Nakaupo lang ako sa sofa noon, mukang alam na ni nanay yung nangyari. Pinalo niya ako ng napakalakas, umiiyak ako, sabi ni Nanay hindi ko daw binabantayan kapatid ko. Lalo akong umiyak dahil siguro akala niya ako ang nakabuhos sa hita ni Garex, ang sabi ko "Si Jaypee ang may gawa niyan!", hindi niya ako pinakinggan. Pinalo ulit niya ako. As a child, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit pinalo niya ako gayong hindi naman ako ang may kasalanan. Nakita kong nilagyan niya ng Colgate yung hita ni Garex, inisip ko nung bata ako mas mahal niya si Garex.

1993 Sept. nagkaroon kami ng bunsong kapatid si Apple, pero pangalan niya ay Jennylyn, babae siya, kyut, mataba ang mga pisngi, medyo mapula-pula ang balat. Ganoon pala ang itsura ng baybie. Haha.

Isang araw nakaupo kami sa lamesa, kumakain.. naalala ko si Ema (half japanese, half pinay) she was cute, very malikot, lagi siya umiiyak sa tuwing aalis yung lolo namin, masyado siyang intact kay Lolo Kile, spoiled siguro. Nasa Japan noon ang nanay niya, at until now andoon padin si Tiya Abeth (Elizabeth), sa sobrang kakaulitan niya, nahulog siya sa upuan, pinipigilan kong tumawa pero dahil bata ako, tumawa din ako. Haha. Madami siya stuff toys noon, pinapadala sa kanya ni Tiya Abeth, nakakainggit dahil karaniwan ang laruan ko noon ay yung mga binibili sa tapat ng simabahan, yung di-hilang kalabaw at kabayo, minsan manikang maliit na halatang binili sa palengke ng sampung piso dahil yung ulo niya mas malaki sa katawan at napakaliit lamang noon. Sana may barbie doll din ako tulad nila Ate Irish at Ate Michelle, gustong gusto kong pumupunta sa bahay nila dahil madami silang barbie doll, sa hahawak ako ng barbie doll nila maingat ako, hindi ko masyado pinaglalaruan, basta't hawak ko lang siya masaya na ako.

Hilig ko din noon , mag ten-twenty (chinese garter) kalaro ko sina Kuya Brian, at yung anak ni Aling Ading, minsang naglaro kami ng umagang umaga, pag uwe namin pinalo na naman ako. Hindi ko na naman maintindihan kung bakit niya ako pinalo gayong naglalro lang naman kami. Ang sabi niya "Agang-aga nangangapitbahay kayo" Hay, masakit mapalo pero masayang nakikipaglaro.

Grade 1 ako nung isang beses umiyak ako sa teacher, hindi dahil may nagawa akong kasalan sa kanya, kundi may kumuha ng payong ko. Usong-uso kasi dati na kapag cleaner ka inilalagay yung bag sa labas ng classroom, tuwang tuwa pa nga ako sa pagbubunot. Nung tapos na kami maglinis ng mga ka-group ko, wala na yung payong ko na katabi lang nag bag ko. T_T umiyak ako, binuhat ako ng classmate kong matangkad na bading, dinala niya ako kay teacher, umiiyak ako dahil payong ko yun, payong na sabi ni nanay wag iwawala. Nilagyan pa nga niya ng pangalan yung payong ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin kay Nanay na may kumuha ng payong, hanggang sa jeep pilit kong hinahanap ang bagay na yun, sa tuwing may nakikita akong payong inaakala ko siya yung kumuha. Masama ang mangbintang, pero papaluin na naman kasi ako eh.

First time ko sa school nun, sa Central, hindi ako masyado pinapasyal noon sa Cabuyao, so, wala akong alam sa daan...normally sasakay kami ng tricycle at kasabay pag-uwe si Kuya Brian na Grade 5 na yata noon. Maaga kaming pinalabas ng teacher ko, kumbaga awasan na. Pumunta ako sa room ni Kuay Brian, pero nagkaklase pa sila... kelangan ko ng umuwi pero hindi ko alam ang daan pauwi. Naglakad lakad ako palibot sa school, hindi pa din awasan si Kuya Brian, ang tumatakbo sa isip ko noon ay bakit naging Isang daan ang Isang daan (yung 100 pesos na bill), isang daan ba dahil iisa lang ang daan??? hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganoon nag naging tawag sa 100 pesos. Isang daan??? haha..Kinuha ko ang bag ko at pipilitin kong makauwe, hindi ko maintay si Kuya Brian,..lumabas ako ng school, kabado, patingin tignin s paligid, "Saan ba dito??" naalala ko yung way na papunta sa central habang nakasakay kami sa tricycle, dahil mahilig nga akong tumingin sa paligid, iniisip ko kung uuwi ako pabalik lang yung daan..nagdadalawng isip ako..kabado padin. "SAAN BA??" "KALIWA O KANAN?" ..hay,, pinili ko yung kanan, pilit ko nire-recognize sa isip ko yung mga nakikita ko habang nakasakay sa tricycle,,"oo, dito nga!" pinagpatuloy ko ang aking paglalakad, hindi ko naman maisipang sumakay ng tricycle noon na ang pamasahe ay dalawang piso lang, hindi ko kasi alam ang address ng bahay..Haha.Alam niyo bang habang naglalakad ako, kinakausap ko ang aking Guardian Angel noon, dahil mabigat ang dala kong bag at madaming librong laman, kinausap ko siya kung pwede sana buhatin niya yung bag ko dahil nabibigatan na ako at mahaba pa ang kaing lalakarin, kakaiba nag naramdaman ko. parang umaangat ako sa lupa, nagiging magaan ang katawan ko, at ramdam ko na may humihigit sa bag ko pataas,,.."Totoo kaya ito?" saglit lang yung moment na yun pero hindi ko talaga makakalimutan, that time nagsimula akong maniwala sa Guardian Angel hanggang ngayon. Nakarating naman ako sa bahay.


continuation....

Unfelt Feelings.

There was him in my life, like the sun has it moon, like the roses has it torns, like the wind has the breeze,and like the waves has the ocean. Cheerful days had come again and it’s overflowing with all the happy and positive adjectives in me…I’m happy like it was meeting him for the first time again, surprised– like the first time I had my first kiss!

I would only wish for another day with him, and that day would last for a lifetime..I may sound stingy but that’s the only excuse I had in my mind to keep him by my side..

To think that happy days like this will be turning into gloomy nights and heavy rain once more, is like a syringe that I refuse to be injected with. Loneliness will haunt me. Sadness will resurrect in me.

my day before I was born 21 years ago.

I woke up early and that was not my usual routine after a long break of staying at home,my body was heavy--yet I felt that I should go somewhere and that somewhere was one thing I should figure out. There was no stress in me that would made me a bit pressured, and no very complicated issues to remind myself about. I sit and walk around the four corners of the place I would always love to come back to, a home. Wait, hours had passed a sudden urge in me occured, and suddenly I felt that my whole nervous system was becoming more active, that was it! and i hoped I knew it earlier. Funny feeling, surprised! Im getting 1 year old tommorrow, and that something I need to worry about. Worry about how Im going to face another year in my life as me. How will I change my routine, and how will I know I'm living the best of my life.

This problem was something I am after, How will I know I'm living the best of my life---Blank. I got to stepped out at home, rode on a tricycle and witnessing others to live their life. I saw a man, a greasy man with nothing on his body that could protect him from the enemies around him--rain,rays and more. He's out there looking at the sky, and I looked at it also..there was nothing special about the sky "yes, it's blue and white". I saw a group of man, working on their fields, and this made me realize that life isn't about hoping for another day to come, not about wishing that rain should go away, not about worrying foods to eat as human's only survival, not about becoming someone else,and not about figthing your enemies.

But it came to my mind that there is something more about looking at the sky, it's not just staring at them, but be grateful that beyond those cloud balls we get to imagine the life we wanted,we get the chance to daydream and moments like those was really the most pleasurable time of nothing to do (like the greasy man). Life is about living your life to the fullest until tomorrow comes, we don't just hope for a day to come and finish, it's about realizing what have we done, what regrets have we put on our simple lives? and would we able to do better tomorrow.

I always wanted rain, some put curse on them, some play with them, remember how those little droplets made beautiful rainbows? How many times children always draw them on their small drawing book? If we kept on wishing that rain should go away and come again another day, will children see them perfectly again?, how will they know the image of a perfect rainbow? and will there be another day for us to see rain and be excited and hopeful about seeing a rainbow?

Life is not about worrying foods to eat, it's about tasting every bit of it. Not just drinking water, but tasting water-- how water could be so tasteless? How each grains become rice in our plates?. It's about letting our taste buds define salty from soury, sweetness to bitterness, spicy to tasteless?.

It's not about becoming someone, but becoming yourself. Be true and don't wish about excahging shoes, be grateful you have yours.Be happy. And life isn't about figthing your enemies, it's about trusting someone and loving them. Enemies become enemies because you lack those two. What will you do if one day you woke up and finding yourself lying in bed with your enemy? Will you let him wake up? will you let him live another day? or is it waking him up and saying it's a new day. Will you say this words "Past is past"?

I know there is more to life, more on how to live my best. And it's not just about hating that I'm getting old, but be prepared.